For those who have been reading my recent posts, after nightmarish three weeks, I am ready to say farewell to my sisters. So here is my open letter to a family I feel I lost but the reality is, it is not a family I actually had or wanted. I urge you to also say goodbye to anyone who has held you back in toxic relationships because it may in fact feel normal, however, the truth is this is not. No one deserves to be mentally, emotionally, physically and sexually tortured. And with this, let’s end the cycle of victimisation and shed our old skins, give voices to our silent selves. A chance to be finally heard without judgement and cruelty. Before I begin I want to clarify a few terms that of late have been thrown at me. It is more for my own sanity than anything else. I was recently thrown out of my family home at 10pm in a pair of slippers in my sleeping clothes because my youngest sister recovered memories in flashbacks. Below are her words;
“I do not know where you are in this memory, you could be in toilet but you left me with your friend who used my foot to stroke his penis. You did all of this to punish me because you were hurting about your own abuse. And you are a vile human who is a danger to children and no one should have anything to do you because you are as bad as our older brother. Everyone should cut you dead.”
So here are what these words really mean:
Sex offender: A registered sex offender is a person, male or female, who has been convicted of a crime involving a sexual act where the federal, state or local laws require them to be placed on the Sexual Offender Registry after they have served their criminal sentences or when they have been released on parole.
A Pedophilia: is a psychiatric disorder in which an adult or older adolescent experiences a primary or exclusive sexual attraction to prepubescent children. Although girls typically begin the process of puberty at age 10 or 11, and boys at age 11 or 12, criteria for pedophilia extend the cut-off point for prepubescence to age 13. A person who is diagnosed with pedophilia must be at least 16 years old, and at least five years older than the prepubescent child, for the attraction to be diagnosed as pedophilia. Wikipedia.
An abuser: someone who treats another person in a cruel, violent, or unfair way: or someone who uses something in a way that is harmful or morally wrong. Cambridge Dictionary.
I hope this letters helps my heart to heal and my dreams to return to a calm, idyllic state once more as my sisters are no longer in my life. A choice that I make without guilt or regret.
Dear Sisters,
My heart hurts writing this letter, yet I believe I have buried my truth to let the idea of peace prevail. No matter what I have said or done, in thought or action I have never been enough. Today, again I feel like that 8-year-old who was alone in a world full of hate and fear. A girl who at 20 tried to share her truth but was again left alone to fend for herself. Now at nearly 40, for a moment I was that scared girl who wasn’t believed that she was raped as a child. This time though the hands of fate turned against me, I was being accused of being a child abuser. My crime for leaving you, Little Ms Chaos with a friend who I trusted. A crime that you don’t fully remember and one I don’t recall or understand why I would do so. Yet, I choose to believe you without question. But my letter doesn’t begin with you because I know you are hurting and I feel your pain. I wish only peace for you.
So my first message is for Ms. Judgemental, my sister who flew the nest. The one who left home at 18 with dreams of starting over in the USA when our father was diagnosed with cancer. A father, I cared for even when I was troubled by flashbacks and nightmares. Those dreams of yours, which later mother hated me for because I supported and encouraged you to go live your life and be happy. But when you wanted to marry a Shia Muslim, knowing full well that mother would lose her marbles- you asked me to help. You wanted me to keep your secrets, regardless whoever was being betrayed by your actions. It never mattered to you because you wanted what you wanted. Never once did you take responsibility for your actions and their consequences. Even after I told you mother emotionally stone-walled me because she was punishing my trust in you. Yet, here you are accusing me of keeping secrets and betraying the family by pretending to not remember things when in reality you suspect I am trying to hide my guilt. Maybe deep down, you really did want to punish other children because some people do that, right? These are your words no one else’s. But again, you are the sister, I do not hear from much at all. Every other Eid, after I wish you first, you sometimes reply. The same person who is too ashamed to let anyone know that I am married to a beautiful Black man because “my God! how will I show your face to your in-laws and children?”- Again your words. What really is his crime? To be born in dark skin? Truth be told, you are no royal Arabian princess, you are merely a self-centred Pakistani girl with narrow-minded views and many, many hypocrisies that I cannot believe I consistently forgave. You called after for the first time after years because of your need. The need to have answers you wanted to hear. It wasn’t to hear my side but to make decisions you had already internally made. Basically, you wanted to validate your own feelings and thoughts so you could justify your own narrow-mindedness to yourself. You have a right to be upset, yes, it is wrong what happened to Little Miss. Chaos but I am not the one who ruined her life. Her life was ruined by others who violated her. Not I. I am only responsible for trusting someone else, I took that without memory or hesitation. Come on, who are you really kidding dear sister? You terminated our relationship a longtime ago but really just need another reason to blame someone for your personal feelings of abandonment. So all I want to say to you:
“I forgive you for the hurt you caused me, I forgive myself for the hurt I caused you. I have always wanted to offer you love and kindness, to help you live a complete full life even at the cost of my own happiness. Thank you for this lesson.”
Moving on to Ms. Blind Fury, gosh the last 20 years have been a crazy rollercoaster! I don’t know where to start with you. You were companion, my best friend, the only person as children I ever trusted even when you weren’t the nicest child to grace my path. I worshiped you always, overlooking your temper and nastiness because I truly loved you unconditionally. I believed in you, in the hope you could change one day. Never, in my heart I thought I would be saying these things to myself nevermind to anyone else. I forgave you when you told me to get out of your life, after telling you about the flashbacks. I said nothing when you cut me out for three years, even when my heart broke everyday. Not a word between us but I always loved you without hesitation. I was always there for you, picking and dropping you off from University or keeping your secrets even when I had so many responsibilities. I never complained once. I also forgave you when you so cruelly humiliated and degraded me when I told mum about the abuse. Your hurtful words were like daggers in my already tormented heart. I grieved your loss everyday in my 20’s. I really tried to mend bridges with you over the years- I really did. Even though you claim I betrayed and broke your trust, you didn’t let me into your home purely out of altruism but because you needed help to care for your children. Children who I love unconditionally without any personal gain or reprise. You’re words “I am vile, disgusting human who deserves to die”, don’t surprise me. Neither do your physical threats of violence and aggression because this isn’t the first time. This is your pattern and I finally take back my power. I am done being your punch bag. In the last two years, I disagreed with you and it was no crime. I just saw you for who you really are- a bully. And I do not have to accept or like that. The sad things is like the times before, you never actually asked for my version. You made your mind based on what Little Miss Chaos partially remembered. There was no room for compassion or the slightest consideration that I may have a different side, a simpler more innocent one. You simply became judge and jury, sentencing me the death penalty. I am not sad. In fact, I am relieved that this moment allowed me to sever these ties with you. Finally unbinding myself from my guilt. The guilt you projected on me. A guilt placed on my shoulders because you cannot accept your actions. You needed to justify rejecting me by actually placing the blame of my choice to tell an 18-year-old you that I was raped. You never over the years said you were sorry that you weren’t there for me in my darkest hour. Today at 37, you behaved no differently. This time, I made a choice to trust a friend, which also is not a crime, naive perhaps but no criminal offence on my part. It’s like the time you trusted your brother-in law with your son or the times Little Miss Chao went to stay with you at University or travelled to America alone at the age of 9, or went Pakistan or moved in with you at 18. Anything could have happened then. What if that surfaces in her memories, then what? Are you also a vile human who should die? To be clear with you- I sexually violated nobody. So I do not accept your punishment or hate no matter how many people you threaten to mentally and emotionally abuse. I am sorry, I do not like the person you became but I am even more sorry that you are version of the man you detest the most in the world. OUR OLDER BROTHER. You are just him in another skin. I am sorry it took me so long to see. I mean you no harm or hate, however, I have no need to fix you or fix our relationship because I cannot change something so deeply broken within you. I can only fix myself and my relationship with a self caught up in your trauma. Finally, I am happy to free myself from this burden and responsibility, with no shame, it does not matter what you see me as because I finally see the real you and the real me. We are not the same. My message to you is:
“I forgive you for the hurt you caused me, I forgive myself for the hurt I caused you. I have always wanted to offer you love and kindness, to help you live a complete full life even at the cost of my own happiness. Thank you for the many lessons, the ones I clearly wasn’t learning. I will always love your children and their memories will remain in my heart. For that I thank you.”
Lastly, my dear Little Miss Chaos. I am so very sorry that you are hurting because of my naive trust in another. Although I do not remember leaving you with anyone and I cannot make sense of why I would do so. I am not even trying to justify it. I simply want to gently point out that I may not be in the line of your vision in your memory and if knowing this helps you, then I hope you can regain a fully memory of this moment. For me, it however no longer matters because I cannot undo the past and this person is from my past so I need no more. I accept that you were violated by someone I trusted and without question you are all that matters. All I have to say now is that never in my wildest dreams, I would put you in a position of harm to punish you for my own suffering. I know, I have said this many times but you cannot hear me behind your own veil of anger. Maybe one day you may, I hope that day will come soon. I would never willingly inflict this pain on an enemy nevermind on a person I loved unconditionally as I would do my own child. My heart bleeds in unspoken pain because I know you really do believe that I am danger to children and that everyone must protect theirs. I have never molested or abused you in way possible. EVER. I would not do so. What’s even more sad is that, when I disclosed my abuse, I did it to protect you, to protect our generations but no one wanted to believe me. You have over the years insisted it wasn’t true and I should forgive him. Yet, here I stand alone because you choose to not forgive me. My ex-friend was no threat to you today or to anyone else, but you decided to share this with everyone so they could cut ties with me. You had already punished me, with cutting yourself and your son from my life. But you insisted that everyone else also conformed to your will. You didn’t even once take my suggestion of reporting the actual perpetrator, yet you so easily disregarded my feelings knowing how much I have cared for our family since childhood. I offer nothing but love. And here I am isolated, unheard and reliving my trauma because you really wanted to punish me. The problem is, in your hurt you never stopped to actively listen to anything beyond your own perception. What’s really hurtful is the lengths you have gone to inflict pain on other. You went to the extend of trying to turn our father, mother and the only brother who took me in. You and our other sisters ganging up on those who didn’t agree with your perception. I can tolerate anything but cruelty to others, I cannot. And I will never ever accept that I am no different to our older brother who is a pedophile no matter what way you justify it. That one comment will never leave my heart, mind and soul. You compared me to the one person who once tore my self-respect, my humanity, my existence into tiny shreds without any remorse or care. I am not him and I will never be able to let that go. I have only wanted the best for you and will continue to do so, however, I have no room for someone who in their hurt cannot consider offering others the benefit of doubt and compassion. I have been in your place, I have felt hurt and confused but I have never deliberately hurt another because I was in pain. You may justify this in any way possible and it is ok that you feel this way. I will never see it from your eyes. A bad choice, is simply that. It is nothing more or less, especially if you take into context ones character and historical actions. Sadly though I will never concur and in the end I have to live with my soul – I live without guilt. To you I want to say, I really am sorry that your mind, body and soul has been violated many times by many people but I am not amongst them. I only hope in time you will heal and be able to live a complete happy life.
“I forgive you for the hurt you caused me, I forgive myself for the hurt I caused you. I have always wanted to offer you love and kindness, to help you live a complete full life even at the cost of my own happiness. Thank you for the many lessons and showing me a mirror to how trauma can blind one. I free myself from this cycle and in peace I let this be.”
My final message is to my parents. I am sorry mother you are losing yourself to dementia, I really do not want you to suffer anymore so I wish to cause you no further pain. Lets promise to leave the past where it belongs and try enjoy what we have in the present. I understand you cannot make sense of this but please make it easy for yourself. I will say it one final time. I made a mistake which I cannot confirm or deny because I do not have the memory. It was though a mistake, like you once made, one I do not blame or hate you for. Or the same mistake father made in Pakistan or the one Ms. Blind Fury made with her brother-in-law and the one your youngest son made with his ex-wife. They are all innocent mistakes. You may not be able to hold on to this but I hope you find peace one day, in the reminder that I am not a vile human. I would never intentionally hurt anyone, if anything I hope you can remember the child I was and how everything mattered to me. I want to thank my father, my middle brother and my sister-in-law for their belief, kindness and love. A reminder that humanity and compassion exists somewhere in this strange troubled world of survivors of abuse. My final gratitude is for my beautiful husband for his patience, love and trust. For the chance to together build a life beyond this chaos where love, joy and peace reside. For now my heart maybe a little battered but I believe together we will heal it, with laughter and love. I want to thank my child self for the reminder that it is not safe and healthy to stay in such environments. Thank you dear kind child for being my companion for so long, I trust our road to recovery has already started with our actions. Every day is a new day to begin again, together we choose life. From here forth, we may never visit this darkness again.
And a massive thank you to my amazing 13 nieces and nephews. You are precious and locked safely in my heart, whether we see each other again, I will always be here for you. Sending you love, light and prayers.
Thank you for listening friends. I honestly wish this has helped you as much as it has helped me. I look forward to your letters too.
In loving kindness WildFire.
Photography credit to original artists. Girl in the rain by the magical artist – https://bluethumb.com.au/kate-fisher/Artwork/dance-in-the-rain
InspiredHopes 