Mirror, mirror on the wall, who is the fairest of them all?
I am no fair maiden. I never was. My magic faded almost four years ago. Staring back at me, is a stranger. I feel I once knew her. She was certainly no foe. But the years lost to an illness, hang limply to my memories burning fiercely in my chest. They only seek one answer; who am I? Do you know me?
I have no words that fully capture this feeling. The closest I can fathom is death. I feel in one single lifetime I have died a many times. I died when I was 8. Then again at 19. And again at 26. I completed the cycle at 34. The last time, I was amongst the living dead, comatose in my own flesh. Right in this moment I again die. Alongside the sadness, a beginning is surging amongst the tide of fear and freedom. A battle ferocious.
The fear of unknown possibilities.
The fear of discovering new flesh.
The fear of failure.
All of this uncertainty born from my drunken sleep. A pregnancy overdue. Forgotten overtime. I was not meant to be asleep for such a length. However, though I could not fight my cruel disease because in reality I am that disease. I died because I was the one poisoning myself with neglect. I was the one serving others at the cost of myself. It was, I who decided that the price of altruistic kindness was the entirety of my existence. Me. Me. Me. My selfish desire to serve the greater good, rested solely on my shoulders. Bitch slapped by reality, finally to call it to a halt.
Currently, as I die, my reality has found itself cracking beneath old perceptions. I always knew my purpose. Fulfilling it, is another story. I do not doubt that life isn’t a self indulging feat. My soul breathes only my purpose. My heart thuds to that tune alone. It has no other choice. But the how, forever haunting. I am not afraid to see with my new eyes of perception. I am afraid I won’t like what life has been trying to show me. For what so long now, I wished for appears to be foolish hope. I am no fool. Yet, I have died several times to return to the same truth.
My physical body lives on, whilst my essence continues to shift into new realms. This whole inner life- death loop incredibly tiresome. I am, I think emotionally tired because in the end the truth is unchanging. I cannot live a life bound to attachments and detach from others. This is the time to let attachments be. Not for the greater good but for my own good. With these attachments, I will never know my own truth. I will otherwise be a shell to what others want me to be.
I am scared that I will not like who I see. Who am I without my attachments to family, belonging, humanity, kindness? I don’t fear being naked, I fear what I will become without my anchors. Is my innate self a good, moral soul? How will I know this without my old value system? My life at present, presents me with signs of moral disharmony. Watching them, allows me the mercy to be different. But am I just selfishly using them to keep myself in line?
You are the fairest of them all my queen.
Somewhere, in my heart, a lick of fire warms my heart. It serves as a poignant reminder. Noisy fear, is merely my ego, clinging desperately to my old self. It is, a wicked trickster, wantonly wanting to live on through my anxieties. It knows, it can win only if I give into it’s cruel intentions. And in its egoic victory, will the death loop continue. Sadly, my anchors on repeat play the same old patterns of negativity. Allowing for no other exits. You see though, this time, I had already decided to not hang myself at the mercy of the ego.
You have always be kind to me but in truth I am not the fairest of them all. I am no fool though. Thank you for your humble service. However, you are now discharged.
Be free, my friend.
Freedom. Freedom. Freedom.
It feels like an elusive misconception chugging through the hard wired perception that no one is really free or trapped. It’s all a matter of perception. I have no idea if this is true or not. However, whilst I stare at my almost translucent reflection, I realise that one must live truthfully to know anything. So, then let’s together shed our skins, love our fear and take this tabla rosa to leap into the ocean of unknown adventure. Maybe we will never fully know who we are. At the very least, in trying to live we may uncover some versions of who we are. And does it even matter if we don’t know who we are?
Why not, let the magic of wonderful life be our guide. We are our own mirrors. Thank you for sharing this moment with me.
Love. Light. Hope.