Moonlit mid summer nights evoke an offbeat hysteria, especially as summer tails to a close. It has an eery charm powerful that I am unable to resist. Its hypnotic spell channelling a calling of times long forgotten. Tonight, fatigue engulfs my aching bones battered. My fragile heart throbs as I drift between misty wakefulness and drunken sleep. I have been stuck for longer than I dare to admit. I have no conscious recognition of when my limbs last danced in agile merriment. Recollection lingers in the now, where nothing else is a tangible reality. My body only remembers pain, everlasting painful agony. I cannot recall how or why I became the Tin Warrior. Today is not the time to indulge in these precious thoughts. Dying is a very exhausting experience. Unfamiliar stages taunting my wired sensibilities worn. Refusing to fight broody fatigue, I cave beneath her weight heavy. My jaded eyes submit to bored sleep, yawning in exasperation at my petty defiance. This midsummer night was a slave to the moonlight.
I watch intently as my consciousness hovers over my troubled physical body. Lying in a coffin of my own making. I shudder at this confrontational truth staring naked at my essence. Locked in a tug of war, I break away first. Leaving my shell behind, temporary respite for us both. I was in no mood for a battle, especially one I was not ready to lose. I am consciousness, I will not be defeated. Right now, I had a promise to keep. Dharma was beckoning with its kind offer of gentle peaceful serenity. I certainly was unwilling to kick this gift horse in the mouth. My attention turns to the moonlight, he glistens weeping amongst his backdrop noir. I somehow, always end up in the welcoming arms of mother nature. It calms the noise gurgling within. I fling back my arms, throwing myself in the breast of glittering long blades, their scent earthy. Greeted happily by warm eager lavender, excited by my presence. I miss this freedom. My current state of limbo excruciatingly long. I know, I am making progress yet my impatience at the pace feeding greedy dissatisfaction. I shut it down with the polite reminder that this was a process, which had its own course. All I had to do was to listen and the signs would appear themselves.
I exhale, filling my suffocated lungs with clean air fresh. I cannot remember when I last breathed with such ease. My senses immediately sharp and alert. The moon appearing closer than before. Our gazes grapple. Neither looking away. Transfixed in its luminous magic, I transcend into a new reality. My instinct curious. An illuminated path unfolds, hypnotised I pursue it without any question. A bird small, my trusted guide. He salutes, his head bouncing in a slow pronounced way. Ready for the mysteries that lay ahead, I await its signal. Ecstatic excitement exploding in my chest. Finally, we are closer to closure.
Purple misty fog whimper’s at my arrival but I am undeterred. My feet pleading to uncover more. The gateway of proud trees part instantly as we enter into a magnetic force field of energy electric, the no-nonsense bird abruptly pauses. He nods again, this time though in farewell. I understand, alone I must enter. Without any delay I stalk across the pathway. My journey ending at a turquoise glossy mirror of fluid waves. Moonlight ablaze across its delicious face. The wild energy storm catching fire around us. Unsure of what to do next, I dip a tentative toe in the water. Its heat rising in my body. Why am I here? Twinkling stars randomly twirl in the cool night, unlocking a code secret. My gut begins to throb. I inhale, anticipation scratching its walls. Without any warning, I find myself falling deeper and deeper into the turquoise abyss. I thrash, swallowing mouthfuls of pearly silk. Moonlight extends a hand, wrapping itself against my trembling. It’s soft caress familiar. This is when I see myself. A self that had never surfaced before. Carelessly I danced in the streets, then in the ocean, and again in lush greenness. Laughter rejoicing in my presence, following my every step. My skin radiates a shimmering brightness gold. My heart at ease in peaceful content. The cosmic order reset. My purpose served. No more outstanding debts aggrieved. Home at last. Tingling fervour injecting bliss into my pounding blood stream.
“To be free, you must be awake but being awake isn’t enough. You must be brave and confront your unspoken fears. You cannot be unstuck, if you constantly repeat your previous experiences. We cannot expect change unless we are willing to be different. Awareness relies on your ability to navigate your journey. And the journey is co-dependent on learning and having the chance to take risks. Once, you reach here you must consolidate your lessons otherwise you will find yourself in another loop.”
The moonlight purrs in my ears. The words drowning beneath the laughter ringing in my head. I want to speak, however my words choke in my throat. I am beyond this now, hasn’t my soul suffered enough?
“Without the suffering, who knows what you would be. In the now, this is who you are. You are exactly where you are supposed to be. However, do you suffer needlessly? Yes, you do. It is a choice to suffer, nothing but yourself holds you in this cycle. You can choose to exit. Yet, I have watched you cling to your toxic baggage. You are beyond this, why else would you die?”
Tears roll down my face into the strong palm of the moonlight. He quivers at their touch.
“Guilt is also a choice. We have to live by the consequences of choice. There are many crossroads, we must decide to unburden ourselves from the projection of other’s choices. We are responsible for our own morality. Kindness, has boundaries, ones that are also kind to ourselves.”
I gulp, a new dawn surging. I am not helpless. Moonlight strokes my curls wet.
“You are far from helpless. You are life. Only you can be your own guide.”
Both of us silent. Our eyes fixed on the vision of a carefree, vibrant version of myself. Emotion cascading against my ribcage. The gentle fingers of moonlight teasing my skin. Swiftly, everything vanishes. I stand alone at the brink of life. The moon shining above my head.
“Thank you.” I whisper.
It is not as simple as just being consciously aware. Drama death cycles have an exit strategy if we are open to it. My destiny in my own hands. Burdens old have no place in the now or the future. This is the moment to embark on paths unknown. Tonight, I uncovered a truth stark. I do know who I want to become but I am blocking my own progress by repeating unhealthy patterns. It is important to have a destination, yet how we get there is a matter of choice. I have to give myself permission to choose paths untested no matter what others believe. My self belief is the only way to protect my essence.
“You are the warrior for a reason. Believe nothing else.”
The Moon declares boldly brazen. My reply swallowed up inside as my body pulls back its consciousness. For now, I work within the Tin Warrior, embedding as one until this mystery deciphers at its own pace.