“Get up! Get up!”
Her glass like scream penetrates the thin veil of my mind tested beyond limits. I stumble over myself in clumsy despair. What did I deliberately walk into?
Fuming liquid metal stings eyes unfocused. Famished heat, wickedly envelopes the burning inferno of a hell, provoked by my very own heated desires. An illusion drowning. Flames lick my feet ravished raw by coal roasting. Chasing dreams, I find myself clawing the edge of reality farcical. The passion awakening in my sleeping heart, now dying at the hands of a Rebel Queen defiant. Silver curls long, tantalisingly dance with a ground cracking in wondrous awe. Her grand ruby crown arrogantly bemused at my performance pathetic. Agile ballerina limbs poised even in fury unspoken. Skin olive silk perspiring elaborately beneath burnt orange flames. Thoughtful sea green eyes, intensely watchful. Her nonchalant milk white dress carelessly on fire. Nothing at all, deterring her will, wilfully determined.
The boxing ring from the dirtiest corner of hell, alive in chaotic chatter. I had chartered waters mad in hope blind. Reality dipping slowly in insanity prevailing.
Wiping beads of sweat from a throbbing brow, I leap to my feet again. Toes small scolding. Every bone, dying to die. The Rebel Queen sneering at unspoken defeatist thoughts aloud. Razor claws digging in skin beautifully bruised. A match easily unmatched. Thrown off guard, by the piercing gaze of the Rebel Society goddesses, I fumble against rope sweating profusely. Quick thinking escapes my frazzling brain. The squealing cheers of the army of limes gathered in my support, break my resolve unfocused. Without any provocation, an intoxicated Absolem puffs hungry smoke in my distressed face. His purple wrinkled body cool against my explosive heat. Thankfully, the Rebel Queen temporarily blurred.
“Be like water my friend.” He slurs in a slow Asian accent.
My head snaps back, anticipation tingling in my gut. Instinct is fuelled with the need to survive. With quick jerky movements, cowardly I duck instantly. Her furious fists catching Mohammad Ali’s eye surprised. He vanishes beneath layers of rainbow smoke. Absolem’s disgruntled huff loud amongst the rising rebellion.
“You cannot hide from the truth.” Her velvet voice rings in quivering hell.
Her fellow worshippers chanting her song in a trance blind. The collective noise deafening. I roll my body to a corner, hoping Absolem appears with his bongo to ease my painful pain. Luckily, my fragile vessel is gripped firmly by twig fingers and dropped in the midst of snowflake candy floss. My skin sizzles beneath the icy coolness. I look up, my voice brittle.
“Thank you, Grand Tree.”
He shakes violently cold.
“Where are we?” I ask.
We both glance quickly at the lime soldiers building a snowman, an army enthralled in joyful silence. Concentrating deeply, they are unaware of my presence.
“1979. Where all beginnings begin.”
The grand trees reply reflective.
I spread my limbs, my metal wax lumpily solidifying randomly. I let out a choked sigh.
“I was born winter 1979”.
The Grand lime tree, shrugs a branch, slowly.
“Well, then you should know why you are here.”
A sadness lingers in his sultry tones. Moist eyes avoid burning ones. Something is wrong.
“You should choose your battles wisely Tiny Warrior.”
His voice barely audible.
My desire, simple: a new purpose. Yet, here I am battered because clearly I have again missed the point. What truth am I hiding from? And why start here to uncover it? I didn’t get much chance more to ponder.
The ground groans ungratefully underneath my bones shattering. It is a mark of rebellion failed. The Rebel Queen, a victorious leader of a kingdom enthralled. No mercy for my futile weakness granted. I didn’t belong in their world. I am shaken from my swirling thoughts by a gaping hole greedily swallowing me up. Abruptly, I find myself falling down a rabbit hole.
I fall in a void dark.
The Grand Tree’s sadness lingering in the earthy scent between us. I close my eyes, blotting out his image weary. Landing ungraciously on my back, tired arms limp and unladylike legs spread across the unwelcome floor. From where I am sprawled in a heap, my eyes catch his amber flickering. Swinging boldly on the glass chandelier, his face a mask stern. Something is certainly wrong. A loose pale shirt recklessly thrown over his chest broad, teasing. Silk emerald Aladdin pants loosely swaying around his legs. He throws arms wild above his head. His Afro in a bun high scrapes the edges of the suspicious ceiling. Both uncaring in their attitudes reckless. Light casts shadows over his angles sharp.
I moan, crawling to my feet agonised. Every bone creaking in a complaint unanimous. Rag doll like, I stand unsteadily. Clearing my throat dry I take a slow glance around the intimately abandoned tea party.
With acrobatic somersaults, the MadHatter lands before his audience imaginary. Curtseying like a ballerina waif, a grin toothy spreads across his cheerful face.
“Why hello Tin Warrior.”
My voice croaks a reply in a garbled mess.
“It’s my home, I couldn’t give this a miss now, could I, oh so Little one?
He lets out a laugh evil, eyes rolling he wriggles his finely shaped eyebrows.
“Having fun, are you?” His voice dripping in concern fake.
Jesting, he takes a finger to softly touch my cheek bluish purple.
“Apparently, I have to begin at the beginning to find my truth.”
“Sounds about right. No? Yes? No? Hmm. Maybe?”
Popping a grape large in his mouth, he stares unashamedly.
“I have no idea what she expected. I wasn’t expecting an initiation. I was hoping I could join them so maybe my purpose might surface. Not to find myself broken down before a massive goddess gang.”
My throat hissing.
“Maybe that was the purpose. Nothing is ever black and white, my dear.”
His voice is a whisper. The air around us gathering in a current feisty. My hair stands on it’s unruly wild ends. The thudding of my heart thunderous. He observes, a statue silent. Fear licking to life in my gut. The violent knocking on the wooden door, frightening the both of us.
“Let it go.” Purrs the Rebel Queen.
Her presence invisible yet equally intimidating.
“Let us in! Let us in! Let us is now.”
Shriek the collective tribe of unwanted familiar strangers through the cowering door. Panic surges in my body, every fibre urging my feet to run. As I turn towards the door, the large hand of the hunts man yanks my hair.
“I am going to kill you. Smash you to tiny pieces. Don’t test my patience you stupid, stupid useless bitch.”
He spits in my face, teeth sharp stabbing at my already violated arm. Then without any indication, he shimmers into the Evil Queen Mother. Her fingers fine, delicately stroke my mane rebellious. Venom drips from her tongue poisonous. She hisses, her snake tongue slapping my cheek raw.
“It’s only a matter of time, you will die a lonely miserable fool. Unloved. Unwanted. Useless. Always a fool, a desperately pathetic fool.”
I push her away, my fingers scratching her white neck swan like. Her fading cackle thin in my ears. In her place, appear the three cloned step sisters. Fair tall maidens with locks gracing their knees, grim eyes like melting chocolate sweet. Rosebud lips curled in a sly snarl permanent.
“Dear, dear sister, daydreaming of a better life still? You know the sad truth? You are nothing but a waste of space. Nothing. You are nothing. No one cares, if you live or you die. No place anywhere for your kind. It would be so much easier if you were dead, then we can all live in peace. In a world rid of your filth.”
Their cruel laughter punishing the darkest corners of my heart. The desperation to break free from their hold surging in my gut, I grab a saucer bright yellow from the nearest table terrified. It shatters loudly as hairy claws of the wolf from Red Riding Hood, snake their way down my already purple ink stains.
“It’s been along while sister.”
His growl deliberately pronounced. The sound tearing strips from my soul. I swallow my fear. This was not happening again. It would not happen again. With a forceful power rising within, I cock my head. Our eyes meeting. His ugly mouth moves.
“It’s always good to see you die, sister.”
I don’t let him finish. His words silenced on his vile decaying lips. In a swift movement, I smash my head into his hideous face. My desperate fingers tearing skin in my frenzy manic.
“Enough! Enough! It is enough. I am no longer afraid of you. I am not afraid of anyone. I refuse to play your games of evil manipulation. I am no longer part of your violent hate. I disown this history, this lineage, this fear. I am my own person. I will never be this ugly vileness. I am my own truth. No more! No more!”
Rage hysterical, a beast sleeping ignites my entire being. It’s mocking a slap across my cold face. The pain of burning bones stinging my eyes watery. Again a hand reaches out. Blindly, I swing my pounding fist. It collides artistically against bones crushing. Blood red stains my fingers weeping. Senses alive, gain consciousness.
“Oh God! I’m so sorry!” I sob.
The MadHatters disfigured face, blurring before my tears ashamed. Unaffected by my outburst surprising, he pulls me close in an embrace warm, his fingers touching my wounds. The drumming of his heart soft. He coils gentle hands in my messy mop of curls. His soothing murmur, easing my racing anxiety.
“We have to let the past go. In order to authentically discover ourselves we must face our demons. You cannot hold your emotions or fears. Our demons reappear in many forms without warning. It is the cycle of life. It is how we react to them that account for our growth. Every reappearance will show you progression.”
Amongst my inner noise, the persistent door banging is unnoticed until now. The MadHatter grins, pointedly staring at his feet.
“This is not the time to cry me a river.” He orders.
Before, I remark, both of us begin to sprout taller at a pace increasing.
“Oh oh..” says the MadHatter sheepishly.
I stare at our feet gigantic growing more as he speaks.
“Believe it or not, I was lured. It’s a plot, you see. Actually, I was seduced to eat it.”
I couldn’t help myself, I burst into a hysterical giggle. My insides free from the violence buried long. The present liberating.
“You ate the cake? Knowing the story?”
I laugh incredulously. Flippantly he tosses a hand in the air. And as he does, the stubborn door caves a little.
“What are you waiting for starry groove-stars, let’s get the hell out of here!”
He stamps his feet impatiently. Instructing them in a strict father like command.
“Groove-stars? They’re my shoes by the way. And that is no way their name.”
I remark laughter lurking in the shadows.
“Finders keepers, losers weepers.”
My magical shoes, roar to life on the MadHatters giant feet. The teal and orange ink pattern swirling into action. The encoding of their powers hidden brimming to a surface reserved. Shaking from the fear from the moment before, they whimper as they begin to bask in their vibrant light. Ignited by the energy positive of hope they spring in to action. But they choke and die before they fire up again, in a hazy cloud they launch into the sky in a puff of glitter golden.
“Stealing doth not count as finding.”
I shout over the rockets ablaze on his feet. Beneath our wild storm, the door remains unbroken albeit beaten a little. As we fade into nothingness, my fingers laced with his, I ask finally,
“Are we running from our present moment?”
Music sways against my ear, his words stark,
“No, my dear, it’s knowing when to stop and walk away. We are choosing our battles wisely. Especially, when our dormant truth has awoken.”
Together, as delicate essence, engulfed in the arms of the wind we float. My attention is drawn to life below us. Under the protective gaze of the Grand Lime Tree, the Rebel Queen and her goddesses, perform a dance tribal to the calling of music soul searching. Their limbs an enchanting cocktail of harmony. Glowing limes, floating in serenity, their twinkles illuminating amongst the midnight palette. My scent hangs in the wind. She looks up, her turquoise gaze sincere,
“To live, one must not hold the past. We bury our truths. Swallow our rage. You my precious, are beyond what you see right now. You will return to us my creatively maladjusted goddess but not before your time. Live my friend. Live.“
The hammering of raindrops drowning her. I cling to the MadHatter unsure of anything more than his tenderness in this moment we share as one.
At times we hold memories, emotions, thoughts and feelings that in reality are toxic. They neither belong or serve us in our present moment. Yet, we fail to notice that we haven’t processed or released them. In that way, we restrict our own potential. Sometimes to truly let go, we must be vulnerable to our darkest, ugliest and scariest moments. With hope in our hearts, we can heal to really be our uniquely, authentic selves. Even if that means we are a not necessarily the right fit for a world unfitting for us.
Photography credit to the respectful owners. A grateful thank you to the Rebel Queen and her society for showing me it is perfectly fine to be as I am.
Explore your inner rebel with: https://rebellesociety.com
Healing music: https://m.youtube.com/watch?v=yKj_OBus98A#
Sole Magic: https://divadilife.com
Free your inner self in a safe way. Let your goddess guide you to this awakening. Until our next endeavour, be kind to all the parts of yourselves.