Behind the dusky glimmer of a mischievous rain dance, the first cheeky rays of a proud rainbow appear as a reminder that the magic of life still lives on. Its pride obvious. The darkness in my soul lifting with this new day break. The harsh familiar voices still stinging slightly albeit a little distant for now, as another day is upon us. A chance to begin again. For the words of those who you share your most intimate self with are probably the most painful ones you will ever hear. Nevertheless in your heart, you only have love for them regardless of the pain they cause. After all, it all began with love. Always love, be it with family, friends or lovers. LOVE was what instantly connected your souls.
Although today, I may hurt, I remember a little story about a girl with unusually curly hair. A girl who only wanted to sprinkle the golden sparkle of love by her mere presence alone. For her, it didn’t matter who you were, or what you did. All she cared about was taking away the pain in your heart and filling it with magical joy. She had the abundant power of love to make you laugh with an innocent freedom that you may have once lost. Or simply to make you dance in delirious merriment with her imaginary friends as one big happy family. But then, one day she met life with its cold shoulder, breaking through her veil of blissful joy. It told her many things, many of which she would never have imagined one would say to another. But they did.
“Yes, you’re fucked up and you never said how badly in fact, you were fucked up”.
“You are damaged goods”.
“What the fuck is wrong with you, you crazy bitch?”
“You are liar, you made it up.”
“You disgust me.”
“I hate you. You are a vile human.”
“You should just die.”
The list goes on, I care not to continue in the hope to evade the pity party police.
To all those voices in my past, in my present, in my head– I have a message for you.
It is not my fault, I was sexually abused as a child by someone I loved and trusted. It is not my fault for having triggers I cannot manage at your convenience. It is also not my fault, that I have repressed memories and flashbacks that I cannot control. It is not my fault that my family is broken. It is not my fault, even today, it affects me in ways I may not even know. It is not my fault, I cannot live up to your expectations. It is not my fault, I cannot heal your pain or hurt. It is not my fault that others hurt you too. It is not my fault you assume everything is wrong because of it.
It really is not my fault.
So today, I change this painfully old narrative. Words cruel, deliberate or not, from herein have no power over my life. Today, I may have lost that little girl, however, in this moment I am a woman who will no longer apologise for her past or how it impacts her life. And you may think what you like, I care no more. Honestly, I maybe fucked up but I can own it. I told no lies to anyone. I sold no idyllic dreams of a perfectly poised saint. I truly didn’t. Only, I will decide what that means, not you, not anyone else because you have not and cannot walk in my shoes.
I walk barefoot in the sand, where no other judges or belittles my struggles. It may not always be a fun filled walk in a sunny park, yet, I trust I will find my own light. I am happy as you walk on your own. I hold nothing but peace in my heart for you because your words will fade and so will the memory. For now, I am looking for that girl and her childish giggles. My story will unfold as it will and until then I will learn to find my own small feet regardless of what labels you hang over my tombstone.
Dear friends, I hereby invite you to change your narrative with me. We can write this story as many times as we desire. There are no limits. The ink on your pages, is yours to determine. Your destiny in your very own hands. You are the author of this wonderfully confusing tale. The invisible hands of comfort reassuringly creating a chain for change. For really, no matter how alone we ‘feel’, we really never are. It is simply finding that voice in the dark who willingly will hear you without judgement and rejection because true love never has conditions or regrets. Even though your heart might hurt, please know, someone else in this blank void, knows how you feel. So please join me today, by writing your new beginning. I wait in anticipation for a new family who I know co-exists behind these blank pages.
From my heart to yours, we are one.
Forever and always, fucked up or not.
Photography credit to original artists.