Each bright morning, I wake with light love in my heart, embracing each new encounter as a gift from God. A celebration of life bursting deep within from the depths; ready to explode as many infinitive fireworks. My eager heartbeat of a smile flashing freely at all willing to envelope in its magic. I am an intoxication, slowly burning seductive wildfire into life itself. The fluttering of my heart an ecstatic beat of a rebellious drum, defying the sorrows of the world. The catching rhythm, alight in the whirlwind of chocolate mocha eyes dancing to soothing music unheard. For miles endless, radiates my love. From my heart to yours. A freedom blessed. At what cost though?
The insistent ebb of a call ringing loudly in my ears.
What is the cost of kindness, unconditional?
It asks, the unsaid challenge said.
Stubborn defiant ink bleeds through my veins. My unspoken words tart.
Kindness is kindness, its cost unmeasurable.
A laugh wicked echoes in the cry of the wind.
Are you sure?
The taunt registering in my heart. The flippant shrug of my right shoulder a reply- whatever, is what it seems to say.
I would watch the way the wind blows ….
Faded hissing linger long after the calling ends.
Piece by piece, I piece back my heart. Ignoring the warning. I continue with greedy flames licking through the wake of my experiences.
I am happiness.
Until, the wind changes its direction and the course of my life, requesting a pleading refund. Before myself sits, a client. Her flirting fingers toying with her curls wild. Mischievous brown eyes staring into mocha midnight ones; an unspoken dare forging. Her slow dance with my fragile sensibilities- a threat dangerous. Her lip curling as she drops innuendo after innuendo. My heart stops. I deliberately flash my wedding ring, light catching its intricate promise. Yet, her path undeterred. What the hell? asks my mind. But flustered as I am, I have no retort. All I hear is the panic of my heart.
Run. Run. Run.
Enduring this unprovoked torment, I let the meeting conclude. Slowing my overwhelmed senses as she disappears from my world temporarily. Collapsed lungs, gasp for air desperate. However, my lesson had only begun. My electric fingers tingle as I open the messages on my phone. An onslaught of a wholy other kind begins to play before my eyes bewildered. My desire to not care kicking in, when a suddenly my mind urges me not too.
A saddening delusion wickedly mocking my heart.
I told you so.
A promise to care for a friend, unravelling in cruel kindness. Promises purely platonic from a place of unconditional love pregnant in a reality completely unrealistic.
The spinning of my world, unsteady for this moment I realise that my way of a life was simply that. My way of life. Others caught in its weave were perceiving something, I did not intentionally project. Yet, here I was. Receiving abuse for someone elses misconception. Their reality willing to bend mine. My will unwilled. Somehow, from the pure version of love, I become somehow an object for those desired what they did. My desires simply undesired in their delusions. However, kindness remains kind. The truth unchanging. A sad fact that kindness, may not be so easily received in this deprived world of lost misfits seeking beyond themselves.
I embody my own truth. Always, will do. What you percieve is yours but that will not come at a cost. Kindness will not pay its price.
It will purely be a boundaried offer to humanity.
My message a reminder that our actions and inactions, have consequences beyond our control. All I can do is burn my light but in a measured self aware way. And that does not come at the cost of love or kindness. It comes with the price of healthy boundaries, which harm no one and they simply require the polite request of respect.
You are welcome to bask in my love, light and life, however you MAY NOT penetrate it as I will my world to spin as I want. Not YOU. Not anyone else.
I am human. A man.
Not an object of your delusions.
And kindness is not my game play, it is my essence.
Make no mistake, I repeat not errors of my way.
From my heart to yours, thank you for this wake up call.