The merry go round …

The merry-go-round ….

Almost always appears to bring up magical, luminous, memories in my excited mind. But then, I seem to forget moments that weren’t as merry as Miss Merry promised.

Again, this began with thinking. Yes, I dangerously do that way too much. It does nevertheless provide some insightful  light bulb moments.

The burning question:

“Regardless of your past experiences, do you get stuck and triggered by events, emotions, memories that you may not even realise are happening?”

Up until now, I thought this fate was sealed for the likes of myself.  Troubled childhood the culprit evil. This latest hangover of emotional choas, leaving a taste for a truth outside of trauma.

Maybe, all of us fall to this prey?

Like what, you ask? Surely, I’ll tell you, as I know you’re eagerly await what comes next 😝.

Of late, I had asked a friend, male in this incident, a few questions, which I received no answers too. Growing impatient with each passing moment. Slowly, then impulsive, demands and impetuous behaviour, force their way in. Yet, the door remained shut. Finally, a phone call.  One, he ended abruptly. Him knowing, I was upset. Me, feeling terribly confused by this silent onslaught of tears. A follow up call, concluded with ” my over-sensitivity” being the real problem; without any real understanding on either part.

On retrospect, it seems all very trivial and an unnecessary waste of energy. Nevertheless, in those precise moments and those proceeding it, I felt as if a slow choking had erupted within. An unknown, nameless fear, a friend familiar. Is this message, a wishful unintended bitch slap maybe? Unlikely, as I understood his position. Although, it took longer than anticipated to understand my own. Unfortunately, the merry-go-round, had started working long before somewhere in the distance.

Could I stop it? Hmmm …..  well, when I didn’t hear its out of control churning, how would I? It’s dark shadow lingering like stale scent over my sense of self, still bitter slightly.

At the time what was the message, falling upon my fragile ears?

* Being ignored
* Being unimportant
* Disregarded
* Unheard
* I am the problem

Where did this madness creep in from? Honestly, the answer was simple. It was my deadly, unspoken, long standing pattern of triggers. The friendly face of abuse, taunting again. Reminder, that it’s hole in my soul, ripened fresh. After two days of dissection, I realise. This sweet subconscious familiarity, is an automatic response to the pattern not the actual events. I wonder why I didn’t see it, even when it began peddling the same story?

But then, this little voice, sings in my ear. Is it really all abuse related? Or would you respond the same way to something you didn’t understand or like? After all, my requests weren’t offensive, perhaps at best annoying. So, then why this silent, internal hissy fit?

Perhaps, in life at some point, we are all subjected to such ills and the past hasn’t  gripped only some lucky souls. The lesson, in the message it self rather than the intention. Here, with hope I jump off the merry-go-round to find another, brightly colourful one.

Are you with me?

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